My Blog
Friday, August 31, 2007
Picture Analysis
I found this picture on the internet. And I was deeply disturbed. I couldn't help but notice a few strange things. First, what is hanging on the cabinet door on the left? Is that some dried herbs? A decoration? A painted design? A back-scratcher dawned with marijuana leaves? Whatever it is, it's very tacky. I don't think I would put anything like that on my cabinets.
Second, a white kitchen, really? I guess it's just personal preference. However, I prefer a nice dark oak cabinet. Oak is a sturdy wood used in many traditional furniture items. It is generally straight grained with a coarse texture. It's a classic look at a reasonable price, much cheaper than any sort of surgery. All in all, oak is well-rounded and robust. Doesn't that sound better than white? Also, the cabinet knobs are hideous! This woman's hands are rather large. So, I would recommend 40mm brushed satin nickel knobs. A knob that is a pleasure to feel every time you open a cabinet. Anything bigger would just be awkward and gaudy.
Third, do you know what a spice rack is? Obviously this woman has no clue how useful a good rack can be; for her spices. Why would you store twenty spices above your stove? I understand that it may be easier to reach the spices, but it also makes it easier to engulf your house in flames with the aroma of Melegueta Pepper. It's not like you would need an enormous rack; for your spices.
Fourth, what's with the sunflower? It's placement above the stove just adds to the numerous fire hazards of this house. A closer look reveals not only a sunflower hot pad, but an actual sunflower as well. Do you really need an actual sunflower strategically placed right in front of a sunflower hot pad? A little too much for me.
Fifth, what is with the black and white checkered pattern behind the sink? I won't even go there.
Sixth, the sink is full of soapy water. Is she washing dishes in the sink!?! Using a dishwasher is much more environmentally friendly than hand-washing dishes. A dishwasher uses less water, less time, and some new dishwashers may use less power to heat water.
Seventh, I'm not even going to state the disgusting inelegance of her clothing. I just want to point out that loosely worn clothing could also be dangerous. Especially around such a big booby-trapped house. A house that seems to invite death over for dinner and wine, but still hasn't gone all the way; yet. Some possibilities of her demise include:
- Her loose clothing could get caught in the garbage disposal and maim one of her appendages.
- One of those flammable spices could fall onto her stove, while she was preparing Pan Seared Magret Duck Breast, and she is blown to bits.
- Her loose clothing could also catch on fire while cooking, engulfing her in flames. With all that flammable cheap lead-filled white paint she used on the cabinets, she might be lucky enough to leave the Fire Marshal her teeth for identification purposes.
- For some reason, and I can't figure it out yet, she cannot see her toes. She trips, knocks her head on the cabinet, falls to the floor unconscious, and then that object (whatever it is) on the cabinet falls off and stabs her in the jugular. This could happen. Haven't you ever seen "Final Destination"?
Good day Children.
Labels: cabinets, dishwasher, huge boobs, I cannot believe I missed her huge boobs, knobs, natural spring water, picture, spice racks, woman
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The Little Mermaid Cochlea Molestation
For whatever reason, I've had a stupid song in my head all morning. It is from Disney's 1998 sexually fueled innuendoed masterpiece "Little Mermaid". Of all the billions of songs in this world, Poor Unfortunate Souls has plagued my poor unfortunate soul since 5:15 a.m. Central Standard Time. It was as if I had been commanded to infinitely listen to my own fingernails screeching against a chalkboard in a Sisyphean fashion. Instead of trying to carve out that wretched song from my inner ear canal with a rusty butter knife, I decided to investigate the matter. I searched the lyrics for that guilty line that had stuck in my head, and nearly drove me to insanity. Sing along if you know the words. "Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys. The boss is on a rooooooll. This poor unfortunate sooooooul." I thought about that line and became perplexed about the choice of this strange coinage. Who says "flotsam jetsam", and what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Not to mention, what purpose does it serve in a children's movie? Since the movie-and all Disney movies-have been plagued with people's conspiracy theories of sexually embedded material. I thought maybe "flotsam jetsam" was some sort of advanced sexual position, that has only been mastered by some Hindu Tantra God. After some research, I found the correct definition of the term. As stated by Phrases.org.uk, the term flotsam jetsam means "Ships' goods which are lost at sea. Also used figuratively in non-nautical contexts to means odds and ends, bits and pieces."
After more research I found the answer, but not my pants. In the movie, Flotsam and Jetsam are two electrics eels. They are the henchmen for the evil octo-bitch, Ursula. Basically, I had just forgotten that Flotsam and Jetsam were characters and the term was being used as names. This sums up a lot of the same things I often go through. I start to think of the most random things, such as a line from a song in a children's movie. I then have to frivolously research the topic for hours while shredding any sense of pride or productive work. Only to come to a simple conclusion and a complete waste of time. Similar to what you just went through after you read this. Assuming that you got this far.
Wishing you many hugs and pogo sticks. As well as the swift death of Pat Carroll. Goodbye.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Dairy Queen Prices
I used to work at a Dairy Queen when I was 14 years old. Working at the DQ was great. I always got one free food or ice cream item for every shift. It always smelled nice in that store. The smell of happiness on children's faces and our fruity concoctions that we masterfully created for the town people.
However, one thing at my store didn't smell so well. Beside the random week-old Dilly Bar you might find under a refrigerator, the Blizzard pricing always left me feeling dumbfounded. This was a real brain freeze and a bad joke. The average price of a Blizzard is between $2.59 and $3.49. Yet, you will find that some DQ's charge extra for toppings-some as much as $.50 cents!! For example, the DQ Georgia Mud Fudge Blizzard consists of cocoa fudge, pecans, and brownie pieces. Therefore it is comprised of three total toppings. However, if you order an Oreo Blizzard (which has one topping) and you want to add Butterfingers topping, you must pay extra.
I would ask why, but I already know that it's just a downright mean trick to help out the bottom line. Like taking candy from a baby, which is something I have actually tried to do but have twice failed to succeed.
Now that you know about this Tom Foolery, here's what you can do to thwart this evil trick. Just ask the question and reveal this secret to an employee. They probably haven't thought about it until you point it out to them, unless they own the place. Get out there and take back your hard earned money and reward yourself with by spending it on something else.
What could one do with the extra $.50 cents? Here's some things that cost $.50 cents:
- This kids ride
- Curtis James Jackson III
- A half dollar
- A drink from a soda machine
- The ferryman's fee to cross the river Styx
Goodnight Children.
"The Begining of The Begining; That Will Foreshadow The End and Hispanic Porn Names!"
Hello. I thought about starting a blog for a while. My Freudian inner psyche raged; against the machine. My id told my super-ego "fuck off, think of how many girls will read our blog and want to have intercourse, it worked for R-Kelly!" While my super-ego rebutted with "You are always forgetting to put the toilet seat down! Why can't you just put the toilet seat down! You wouldn't want anyone to pee on you, would you?" My id thought out loud "But I am you!" So, after many years of debate, dirty toilet seats, and the demise of an R&B singer, my ego finally brought everyone to comprise.
So, I have decided to start a blog. "Big fucking deal!!", I know that's what you're thinking. However, you must understand that I have no intention of changing the way you think or how you act. I'll leave that up to the government and reality T.V.
My only intention is to add my opinions, observations, and quarky insights to the masses - or just my step-brother Lincoln Dubioushie IV. So, please enjoy this blog, tell your friends how cool this website is and how much time you can waste out of your day. And remember, this blog is for fun, don't take things so seriously - O.K.?
I was going to end the post just now, think of all the work you could've done had I ended there. Something in me felt the need for a list. Americans love lists. We have the Billboard Charts, David Letterman, People Magazine - Most Beautiful People, and grocery lists. Without further aideu here is a list of Hispanic Porn Names (in no particular order besides alphabetical and with Wikipedia links where available) :
Conchi 'Ass-Monkey' Kopec (apparently 'Ass Monkey' doesn't have a link, why would you want to see an 'Ass Monkey' link anyway? Sickos)
Create your own warning label here.
May the best ye've ever seen
Be the worst ye'll ever see
May a moose ne'er leave yer girnal
Wi' a tear drap in his e'e
May ye aye keep hale an' he'rty
Till ye're auld eneuch tae dee
May ye aye be jist as happy
As we wish ye aye tae be
Labels: blog, burrito supremes, chicken mcnuggets, chinese food, flaxseed oil, Prince, table-top tennis, the month of August, two thousand seven, ventiliques
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