My Blog

Thursday, September 27, 2007

 

The Clock is Ticking!

I thought this was interesting and that you fucking freak shows would enjoy it. Unfortunately, this clock does not keep track of how many beers are being consumed worldwide or how many times I've had my way with your mother. If you really want to know, last time I counted it was 2,334,729,122.4 (NOTE: In case you wanted to know, the .4 was the time your dad came home before I could finish)
Poodwaddle.com

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

 

Pointless Random Acts of Internetism

The above photo is an actual visual representation of the Internet. The Internet is a cesspool for useless and thoughtless information. Give a bunch of stupid people access to connect to the world with other stupid people, and you will get some pretty awful garbage. Besides looking at porn and updating this blog (but mostly looking at porn) I love the Internet; and its stupidity. I am constantly amazed at this invention of Al Gore's. He must love porn too. I thought I would share with the millions and trillions of people that read this blog (or just this guy) something I would like to call "The Most Random Internet Content That I Could Find While I Was Icing My Right hand Wrist Taking a Short Break From Looking At Porn Stuff Compilation."
Enjoy you perverts! Click on the links bitches.

Picture you hope you never find, of your dad.

Most popular guy in prison.

The most deadliest kung fu martial artists in the world.

I don't remember this mission in Grand Theft Auto.

Picture you hope you never find, of your grandfather.

What your toothbrushes do in the cabinet at night, nice shot at the end.

Hold on dear, Grandma needs her medicine, then we will go get some Funonions.

He's a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.

I'm not even sure what to say.

Hmmm...What Would Jesus Do?...ride a dinosaur?

Always look on the bright side.

A closer look at what's inside Pamela Anderson.

Smoking a joint before another 18 hour shift making Nike shoes for 4 cents an hour.

This must be a Polish abortion.

That's what I call goin' balls deep.

Everything you need to break out of a drug smuggler's under ground warehouse when you are handcuffed to a chair with a bomb in the room that will go off in approximately 3 minutes.

Breath freshener, kills 99.9% of all germs.

The greatest mullet ever.

Once again, I'm not sure what to say.

There must be a cream for this.

Another picture you hope you never find, of your dad.

Guns don't kill people, monkeys kill people.

He's been licking hookers' toes ever since.

Everybody poops...I mean everybody.

Yet another picture you hope you never find, of your dad.

Nice tattoo.

Betsy just loves her meat.

Listen to Uncle Sam.

Jesus just loves dinosaurs.

What's my name bitch?

Redneck bath.

Again I have no words for this.







Thursday, September 20, 2007

 

Newspaper Corrections


It's never easy to admit that you are wrong. Activities such as drinking before noon, ditching your daughters ballet recital for Monday Night Football with the guys, staring at your secretary's enormous jugger knockers or popping one off in bed while your wife is asleep are all hard to admit wrongdoing; when caught. As the newspaper slowly continues to die by the hands of Ritalin junkies. I still admire one often over-looked and never-read columns of most major newspapers. The corrections section. Usually hiding in small print at the bottom of a page like a red headed step child hiding under his bed right before new daddy comes home from an all night bender at the bar where he was grabbing waitress' asses and snorting lines from the cleavage of a one-armed Asian hooker named Trixie.
I came across this blog while I was on the Internet. Not sure if that was before or after I was trying to download some midget porn, but that's not important. I found this blog interesting and decided to share with the world (or the three people that actually read this blog) some of the more funny newspaper corrections.

Tammy Melton-Orders, 38, of Charleston, is not the Tammy Melton, 37, of Charleston, listed in Friday’s Charleston Gazette among those arrested for prostitution.

There is no nudist beach within Port Burwell Provincial Park. Information that appeared in a Saturday beach review was incorrect.
The Free Press regrets the error.

A toll-free number to a non-partisan organization tracking the election turned out to be painfully wrong. Instead, the wrong number referred callers to a sex talk service. Of course, this never should have happened, since the newsroom's policy is that all phone numbers should be called before publication.

OUR STORY on the price of tomatoes last week misquoted Alistair Petrie, general manager of Turners and Growers. Discussing the price of tomatoes Petrie was talking about retail rate not retail rape. We apologize for the misunderstanding.

In an editorial that appeared in the Sept. 13 edition of the Daily Herald-Tribune, a comment was mistakenly attributed to Mayor Wayne Ayling when, in fact, it was Ald. Dwight Logan who stated higher fees for business licenses for strip clubs were warranted because of "the amount of examination that has to take place." We apologize for the error.

A story on Page B4 on Wednesday about foraging for edible mushrooms contained a photo of amanita muscaria, which is a poisonous and hallucinogenic mushroom. It was a copy editor's error.

In a Sept. 13 story on ESPN.com Mike Utley was incorrectly termed a quadraplegic in a story. Utley is a paraplegic.

PETE Doherty could not have been spotted in London's Crystal club on June 31. There are only 30 days in June.

In Tuesday's, Wednesday's and today's preprinted Tempo sections, the comic strip "Prickly City" contains a Web address, or URL, that links to a pornographic site. In a statement released Wednesday, the strip's provider, Universal Press Syndicate, explained that at the time the strip was filed, the address was "fictional and satirical" and led to an unregistered site. "Regrettably," the statement continued, "this site was registered midday on Oct. 19 following its appearance in the strip that morning. This URL now leads to an adult Web site." The syndicate added that it is "reviewing its policy of running fictional and unregistered URLs within its content." Tomorrow's strip has been corrected to eliminate the Web address.







Tuesday, September 18, 2007

 

Exercising in Traffic Is Bad for the Heart

Besides extracting shark's oil, getting hammered drunk, slapping your mom's ass, and collecting airplane puke bags I also enjoy the blog Freakonomics. I have read the book "Freakonomics" and thoroughly enjoyed it, despite its lack of pictures. I read this blog everyday, and there are always fascinating articles. [NOTE: If my current subject matter is getting much too intelligent compared to my previous posts of hilarosity please click here you A.D.D. freak.] However, I came across this article which was referenced in the Freakonomics blog, and was quite dumbfounded. The title of the article is "Exercising in Traffic Is Bad for the Heart." NO FUCKING SHIT GENIUS. Not to mention the fact that you could get hit by a car! I'm sorry if I come across a bit naive. I just think that they could have written about something much more educational and beneficial to the human race and our existence as a whole. Such as Britney Spears appearance on VMAs, Lindsay Lohan rehab update, or what has K-Fed been up to lately? Any one of this topics would have been better.

Friday, September 14, 2007

 

Happy Friday Children


I love older women as much as I love the fact that today is Friday. If you have nothing to do this weekend, at least you can print this picture out, grab an extra large bottle of Jergens Skin Enriching Cucumber Melon Lotion and make sweet sweet alone-time love to these hot 40 somethings. I would also like to share with you (or the two guys that read this blog) some funny drunk pictures that I found on the Internet. Enjoy.

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Thursday, September 13, 2007

 

Finally...A Great Car Commercial

video

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

 

Motor Boating Water Fake-Horse Polo Short Shorts Game


"You motor boatin' son of a bitch." Can somebody please tell me why this sport didn't catch on and why aren't they using real horses? The only thing this game needs is some guns and place to put your beer.

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

 

***POSSIBLE SPAM*** NOW CONTACT THE GLOBAL COURIER SERVICE FOR YOUR BANK DRAFT


I just love junk mail like this. Please read this letter as it was e-mailed to me. Then read the letter in which I add what I was thinking while I was reading the letter. I feel sorry for old people and Britney Spears. If they even know what a computer is, they probably fall for this shit all the time.
__________________________________________________________________________________

From: DR CHARLES UZOR. [charlesuzor77@gmail.com] Sent: Tue 9/11/07 10:17 AM
To: MGF
Cc:
Subject: ***POSSIBLE SPAM*** NOW CONTACT THE GLOBAL COURIER SERVICE FOR YOUR BANK DRAFT
Attachments:

Hello Friend.

How are you today.
I have been waiting for you since to come down here and pick up your compensation Bank Draft but did not heard from you since that time. then I went and deposited the Draft with Global Couriers Service Company here in
Benin Republic,because I will be travelling to Dubai for health reasons and will not come back till next month end. You have to contact the Global Courier Service Company immediatily to know when they will deliver your package .I have paid for the delivering charges.

The only money you have to send to them is there security keeping cost which is $125.00 Us Dollars to received your package.

Now Contact MR. Roberts Nguei, Director Global Courier Services Limited Benin Republic. E-mail;(roberts.globalcourierservices@yahoo.fr)


Try to contact them as soon as possible to avoid increasing the security keeping fee.I gave them your delivering address but you have to reconfirm it to them again to avoid any mistake in the delivering.

Do let me know as soon as you receive your Draft.

Regards.
Dr charles uzor.

__________________________________________________________________

Same letter, but with my thoughts (
in red) as I read.

Hello Friend. (I am not your fucking friend, unless you are the girl that I met on Facebook whom I may or may not have impregnated, then fuck you.)

How are you today. (Not a good start asshole. Hey fuckface, do you know what a fucking question mark is?)
I have been waiting for you since (since when? dickwad) to come down here (oh I know where 'here' is, right up your fucking ass) and pick up your compensation Bank Draft (Did Chase Bank change their name again?) but did not heard from you since that time. then I went and deposited the Draft with Global Couriers Service Company here in
Benin Republic (Oh that makes sense, since I do so much business in goddamn Africa),because I will be travelling (your grammar is impeccablle [sic]) to Dubai for health reasons and will not come back till next month end.(I thought you were coming back years next beginning months first end middle time?) You have to contact the Global Courier Service Company (this site is based in Jamaica) immediatily (again with the grammar) to know when they will deliver your package .I have paid for the delivering charges (you are a fucking saint).

The only money you have to send to them is there security keeping cost which is $125.00 Us Dollars
(oh, that's all? I wanted to send more.)to received your package. (I hope the "package" is the USB Pole Dancer I ordered from a guy in Zimbabwe 5 years ago.)

Now Contact MR. Roberts Nguei, Director Global Courier Services Limited Benin Republic. E-mail;(roberts.globalcourierservices@yahoo.fr) (no problem, should I give him $125.00 dollars as well? you fucking sewer rat)


Try to contact them as soon as possible (Oh I'll get right on it, I have nothing more important to do than give my money to African criminals, if that is even where you are from you skeezy wretched dung pile of worthless human existence. How are you today.) to avoid increasing the security keeping fee.(I hate those security keeping fees) I gave them your delivering address but you have to reconfirm it (you are my "friend" that I often do business with in Africa paying you security keeping fees and you don't know my address? How insulting.) to them again to avoid any mistake in the delivering.

Do let me know as soon as you receive your Draft. (yeah right)

Regards.
Dr charles uzor. (Oh you are a doctor? Well that's reliable. Eight years of goddamn medical school and you cannot fucking spell, construct meaningful sentences, or even know that you should fucking capitalize your own name. You're a fucking doctor and you are asking me for money? Fuck you, you unholy piece of shit pig smearing microbial shit-faced voodoo hearsay butt-pirate monkey balls vile disgusting useless whore bag infidel mongered deformed toxic stench rag fuck-stick donkey asshole brown-starfish licking jerk face. Who do I make the check out to?)

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Friday, September 7, 2007

 

Stay Thirsty My Friends - Dos Equis Ad Campaign


The current Dos Equis advertising campaign is simply brilliant. The recent fad of the Chuck Norris 'one liners' has created a type of joke that is not only hilarious but fun to create on your own. This campaign takes that joke to a whole new level. The indescribable website can only be experienced; here. I would also like to see if this actually helped increase sales of Dos Equis. A similar increase in beverage sales was seen with the Miller High Life truck driver commercials. After all, you can have jumping pink chimpanzees dressed as Buddhist monks classically trained in the Suzuki method singing Hanson songs while driving clowns cars made of Spam, but you still might not sell more Spam. (NOTE: Spam marketers/Spam advertisers/Spam corporate suites, I have copyrighted this idea so if you are going to try and do this you must be willing to pay.) Anyway, I just want to tell the world, rather, the three people that read this blog; I like the new ad campaign from Dos Equis. Here are some 'one liners' I have written. Enjoy:

  1. When his pen runs out of ink, he uses his own blood.
  2. In weight, his skin is worth more than gold.
  3. His trash automatically gets recycled.
  4. He has probably slept with your mother; at least three times.
  5. If he doesn't like a restaurant, it closes the next day.
  6. When making chocolate chip cookies, he doesn't use chocolate chips he uses tigers meat.
  7. After he gets a hair cut the hair is transfered in an armored truck to be cataloged in the Smithsonian.
  8. He could have his own International Holiday, but we would have to celebrate it every day.
  9. He has been invited to the G8 Summit since its inception, but has never attended.
  10. The sky is blue, because that is his favorite color.
  11. During birth, his mother spent 3 days 4 hours 13 minutes and 8 seconds in labor, only to die at the sight of absolute resplendence of his beauty.
  12. His iPhone works flawlessly.
  13. One time he forgot to tip a waiter, so make up for it he let the waiter touch him.
  14. The stock market is dependent on his happiness.
  15. His Black Book, if printed, would fill every library in the world.
  16. He can chew on a coal and make a perfectly cut diamond.
This is too much fun. More to come....



The actual actor has been rumored to be the following people. Not sure if any of these are real, but his identity remains a mystery and only create more buzz.

Hector Luis Jackson Al-Hilal Van Der San
Roberto Hamando
Jean-Paul Belmondo

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

 

As Seen On Wikipedia


I love Wikipedia. Like my grandma, the details of Wikipedia often do not hold much water and sometimes do not make any sense, but they are entertaining. Here are some strange articles I found. Who knows, you may actual learn something. Enjoy:

That's enough foolishness for today. Good day Children.

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